107 — THE REAL DEAL

JACKSON

D, you wanna play a game of 2K so I can score a hundred points on you?

DANIEL

No way, Jackson.

JACKSON

Look, I know you're upset, but it wasn't that bad.

DANIEL

Really? Mixing up my dead dad's birthday for my stepdad's isn't that bad?

JACKSON

Okay, yeah, that's pretty bad. Can I come in though?

DANIEL

Hey, every year, every year my mom and I buy a cake to remember him. She didn't forget to pick someone up from soccer, or dance, or basketball. Those are stupid mistakes. This was a tradition, like Christmas morning or Fourth of July. Who does that?

JACKSON

I feel you, bro. I'm sorry.

DANIEL

I don't care what she says. Just, just because she looks like my mom doesn't mean she is. Something's wrong and I'm gonna prove it.

JACKSON

Okay.

DANIEL

What do you mean okay?

JACKSON

I mean I'll help. But just promise me you'll consider something more normal than an alien abduction though.

ALPHA 8

What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? It does not make sense. All these pictures are of happy family. What is this? This is not the same family. This is different.

LARSON

Thank you. Thank you for coming. You know, it would have meant a lot to him. Daniel? Hey, baby. The service is over, we gotta go.

DANIEL

He's dead.

LARSON

Your dad fought so hard.

DANIEL

But, he's gone, right?

LARSON

Yes.

DANIEL

Then, nothing matters anymore.

LARSON

Hey, hey, look at me. He's dead. I promise you, with everything I got, my love for you will never die. You know that? I know that. And so did your dad.

DANIEL

I really miss him.

LARSON

I miss him too.

ALPHA 8

I miss him too. Oh, I see now. I know. Michael, you did not tell me you can also lose family.

TARYN

Hey, Larson.

ALPHA 8

Hello, Taryn.

TARYN

Hey, uh, I just got back from Ravens and heard about the cake thing. You good? I mean, that's awkward.

ALPHA 8

Of course. Everything is good. And tomorrow will be better. It will be perfect.

TARYN

Uh, alright. Let me know if my dad calls.

ALPHA 8

Of course. Night. Good night. Night. Tomorrow. Aye.

DANIEL

Your fingers on the mic.

JACKSON

What? Oh, my bad. Okay, take two.

DANIEL

This is Daniel Nichols. Morning of October 8th, with my stepbrother Jackson, recording our official vlog blog.

JACKSON

We gotta find another name.

DANIEL

To prove my mom, Larson Peterson, is no longer human, and is in fact, an alien.

JACKSON

Or, you know, something less crazy.

DANIEL

With every hypothesis, you need to conduct research, Jackson. And with all research, you need a set of rules. Test 1. Getting ready for school.

ALPHA 8

Good morning, family! I hope you are hungry. I made an excellent breakfast today. How did you sleep, Dan?

DANIEL

Fine.

ALPHA 8

That's great!

DANIEL

No, fine is fine.

JACKSON

You know what else is fine? These hash browns! Dang, Larson. Larson?

ALPHA 8

Make sure to finish so we have plenty of time to get to school.

DANIEL

In a minute, Mom. This stuff is really good. Is that rosemary?

TARYN

Now you're being weird.

DANIEL

Actually, it's so good, I think I want seconds.

TARYN

You serious? We leave in like five minutes.

DANIEL

Well, you don't mind, do you, Mom?

ALPHA 8

Of course not, Dan. I am here for you. Whatever you need.

TARYN

You don't even like hash browns.

DANIEL

No, I said I don't like your hash browns. These are wonderful.

ALPHA 8

Here you go.

DANIEL

Um, you know what, never mind. I think I'm full.

JACKSON

I'll take it.

DANIEL

The plan.

JACKSON

Oh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just realized I gotta throw on some different clothes, you know.

TARYN

Why? You wear the same low-rent sports outfits like every day.

JACKSON

Exactly. I want to change it up. Only be a minute. That's cool, right, Larson?

ALPHA 8

Yes. Hashtag self care.

JACKSON

See? She gets it.

TARYN

Hashtag self-care? She's hashtagging now?

DANIEL

Just go with the flow, dude.

JACKSON

Okay, I am good.

TARYN

You literally just changed your socks.

JACKSON

And my briefs. Don't hate.

ALPHA 8

We should be going now.

DANIEL

Wait, I just remembered, I need my blue book. This is red, so

TARYN

If you two don't get your butts in the car right now, we're leaving both of you behind.

DANIEL

You don't have to yell.

JACKSON

Dang. Alright. Just mean for no reason.

ALPHA 8

Everyone buckled in?

TARYN

Sure, whatever. Can we just go? I can't believe I gotta be the responsible one.

DANIEL

Test 2, driving. Mom, we're gonna be late.

TARYN

Oh, now you care about time.

DANIEL

I mean, I guess it's okay, but did you read about the Harvard study that showed students who missed the first period are more likely to drop out of college?

JACKSON

Yep, and Taryn's late so much, she already dropped out.

TARYN

Not funny.

ALPHA 8

Be perfect. Do not worry, Dan. I will make sure you do not drop out of college.

TARYN

Wait, what does that mean? Larson! Slow down!

DANIEL

She just U-turned a U-turn.

JACKSON

And pass the Bugatti.

TARYN

Oh my god, truck! Truck!

ALPHA 8

There you go, Dan. Right on time.

DANIEL

I think I hit my head. It was crazy.

JACKSON

Oh, I feel like my body's still back to the light. And it was awesome.

TARYN

Larson, I know we made you watch Fast and Furious that one time, and you had too much wine and said Vin Diesel was hot, but you do know that was a movie, right? Like, not real?

ALPHA 8

Of course, honey. I love Vin Diesel wine.

TARYN

I think I'm gonna walk.

ALPHA 8

Perfect.

LEXI

Call from Summer.

ALPHA 8

Hello?

SUMMER

Larson! Everything is on fire at the office and we need you now!

DR. STEVENS

Sector 39 Retrial, Test 5.

SAMANTHA

You're hurting it!

DR. STEVENS

Then tell me how we get it to communicate.

SAMANTHA

Even if I could, why would I? God, you people are so predictable. Evil scientists, secret plans.

DR. STEVENS

You don't know what you're talking about.

SAMANTHA

You're destroying her! I'm trying to save it!

DR. STEVENS

You think this is the first time we had contact? The first time I had to watch our chance of something greater slip away? The government believes Alpha 8 is a threat. They will use it, or eliminate it.

SAMANTHA

Alpha 8 hasn't harmed anyone.

DR. STEVENS

Then why is it here? Why did it land here? If we can't make a connection now, we lose our only shot at understanding all of this.

SECRETARY

Mrs. Peterson, there's a call for you on line one.

ALPHA 8

For me?

SECRETARY

Yes. And line two. And line three.

SUMMER

Oh my god, finally!

ALPHA 8

What is happening? Where is the fire?

SUMMER

Um, how about everywhere? After your meeting with Geoffrey yesterday, you literally broke his brain. Like, Christmas Carol style. He kept talking about family and priorities. Next thing I know, he's on a plane to see his dad in Reno. I didn't even know he had a dad!

ALPHA 8

Oh. That is good. Family is important.

SUMMER

No. Not good. Now we need someone to lead the client meeting.

ALPHA 8

Okay. Who will lead?

CLIENT

So then, we gave her troubles, which made her ears itch. Apparently, the umami causes her shit.

SUMMER

Wow, I'm so sorry, Raphael. Doggy issues, that's rough.

CLIENT

Well, you know Daisy, we always said she's a great danger after a chihuahua's body.

SUMMER

Ha ha ha, I hear you. Anyway, I want to apologize again that Geoffrey couldn't make it today. Hashtag drama. Am I right? But it's all good now because Larson's here and she can address all your needs. Larson, everybody.

CLIENT

Larson, I've heard a lot about you. These files you sent up were exactly what we asked for.

ALPHA 8

Thank you.

CLIENT

And your turnaround was amazing. Even we weren't expecting this like that quick.

ALPHA 8

Yes.

CLIENT

But…

ALPHA 8

But?

CLIENT

How do I put this? With the site going live, we decided we want to implement a new AI strategy. Big data, but for brand management, digital upskilling with machine learning. We're really excited about it. What do you think?

ALPHA 8

That does not make sense.

CLIENT

Excuse me.

ALPHA 8

I said, that does not make sense.

SUMMER

Oh, she said she's been to Tibet.

CLIENT

Oh, I love Tibet. So does Daisy. She's half Shih Tzu. We’ve been exploring her racial heritage…

SUMMER

Are you crazy?

ALPHA 8

It does not make sense. I did what they asked for. I was perfect.

SUMMER

Girl, newsflash. Work isn't just work, Larson. It's people. Stupid, confusing people who never know what they want. You have to communicate with them.

ALPHA 8

Communicate.

SUMMER

Uh, Larson, what are you doing?

ALPHA 8

Michael said the best way to communicate is to show.

CLIENT

Um, what's happening? Is she doing jumping jacks?

ALPHA 8

Pants.

SUMMER

Larson?

ALPHA 8

We put them on like this.

CLIENT

Daisy hush!

SUMMER

Larson! Larson, for the love of hashtag girlboss, please do not take off your… Pants.

DANIEL

I'm telling you, it doesn't add up. Late morning, crazy driving.

JACKSON

I mean, she didn't get a ticket.

DANIEL

When has mom ever driven five miles over the speed limit?

JACKSON

There was that one time she went after the dude with the Trump sticker.

DANIEL

This is serious Jackson.

JACKSON

Bruh, I know. Look, I spent my whole math class looking it up. Stress, drugs, menopause. Don't search up that last one.

DANIEL

What is this?

JACKSON

I don't know, just like reasons Larson could be acting the way she is. You said it yourself, we have to be scientific about this. Being an alien can't be the only option. It's not even top ten.

DANIEL

You're wrong. Alien abduction is the most obvious. I'm gonna prove it.

TARYN

Hey.

JACKSON

Sup?

DANIEL

Hi.

TARYN

Why are you two acting weird?

DANIEL

You're weird.

JACKSON

No, no reason.

ALPHA 8

Hello, family. I am here.

TARYN

Just putting it out there, we are not in a hurry.

DANIEL

Test 3. Fast food.

ALPHA 8

I am sorry. I hope you were not waiting long. I had a very stressful day at work.

DANIEL

Hey mom, we're thinking we could do takeout for dinner.

ALPHA 8

But I already have leftovers from our home-cooked meal.

DANIEL

I know, but we really want a burger. Right, Jackson?

JACKSON

Uh, yeah, that'd be dope.

ALPHA 8

Okay. Where do you want to go?

TEEN CASHIER

Hi, welcome to Burger Joint, the only place that gets you feening for more after the first bite.

TARYN

Are you serious, Larson? Just last month you literally gave us a whole lecture about how burger joint is bad for us, the planet, and has oppressive labor practices.

TEEN CASHIER

Ma'am, are you ready to order?

TARYN

Do not worry, Taryn.

ALPHA 8

Yes, I am ready. What would you like? Three juicy booty burgers with sloblab on the cob. Two winner winner chicken dinners. And a side of mad finger fries with extra skeet sauce heavy on the skeet.

TEEN CASHIER

Okay, so a number three and two fives. And um, next time ma'am you don't actually have to read the menu.

JACKSON

Oh, she's an alien, 100%.

DANIEL

I told you.

JACKSON

Bro, I am so freaked out, I can't even eat this amazing burger.

DANIEL

No morning pushback, life and death driving, and if there's one thing mom would never do, is order crazy food like that.

JACKSON

So what do we do, tell Dad?

DANIEL

And tell him what?

JACKSON

That Larson is a freaking alien.

TARYN

That won't work. You need proof.

DANIEL

Proof? What are you talking about?

JACKSON

Yeah, proof. That's not even a word.

TARYN

Give it up. I know you guys have been trying to break Larson or something, but you're doing it wrong. To everyone else, what's going on looks like a normal, overworked mom. If you want to prove she's more than human, you need to show her doing something crazy. Flying, super speed, anything.

DANIEL

How?

TARYN

Jackson, hand me those ketchup packets.

SUMMER

What were you thinking?

ALPHA 8

I was trying to communicate.

SUMMER

By going pants free? You have an allergic reaction on the call, or we've both

ALPHA 8

I am sorry.

SUMMER

Bestie, be better! Hashtag

TARYN

Larson, hurry! Come quick!

TARYN

Everyone ready?

DANIEL

Yeah, I've got a good view in the closet. Test 4. Emergencies.

ALPHA 8

What happened?

TARYN

He hurt himself really, really bad, and now he's bleeding.

JACKSON

Oh, basketball stuff.

TARYN

We have to do something, Larson. He's hurt. We need your help.

ALPHA 8

Um. Oh no. It's work again.

TARYN

Work? Jackson is dying. You have to do something, Larson. Do something! Do something!

JACKSON

What is that sound?

TARYN

My ears!

DANIEL

She is an alien. CLOSING CREDITS